EXTRA! EXTRA! READ ALL ABOUT IT! CHURCH OF BONGO IN “BIG BANG” SHOCKER.

Conspiracy rumours abound with regard to the fact that **HS2** is the chemical formula for **disulphides**. Are these mercenary short-term profiteers cocking a crafty snook at P.M.Johnson’s top Glasgow spend-in and fancy yapfest?

From Rooters on the hot-spot co-respondent Lawd Tulepo. Message reads:

CHURCH OF BONGO PLANS “BIG BANG” FOR HS2: The first high-speed train to run the new HS2 line from London to Birmingham will be met by a giant drum, a Church of Bongo press release claimed today. As the train speeds at 250mph through the remnants of Cubbyhole Woods, bulldozed earlier this year, passengers will find themselves participating in what Church of Bongo are calling “The Big Bang.”

It is nothing short of monstrously ugly and expensive

RUINS OF THE TEMPLE The sturdy giant drum constructed mainly with reinforced, upcycled bamboo will be positioned on the track directly over spot marking the site of the hallowed ruins of the Temple of Bongo. The emplacement mountings will require expert calculations to allow the train, effectively acting as a drumstick, to rebound away safely. A dedicated team of quantum percussionists are working round the clock and are 100% confident of a resounding result. Grandstands, pews and viewing platforms will be constructed nearby. Ticketing and VIP packages will be announced when the HS2 timetable is known.

MONSTER DRUM: Although the first train is not due until 2028, a well-known Belfast shipyard has already been contracted to build the monster drum, which is expected to measure at least five metres in diameter and weigh several tonnes. It is planned to sail the completed drum from Belfast to Bristol on a fleet of specially commissioned coracles. From there it will be hauled up the rivers Avon and Leam as far as Offchurch, where the HS2 line passes overhead. It is expected that a simple trolley-mounted hoisting device based on wheels and levers will help complete the drum’s journey to its emplacement, less than a mile away.

Although only half the size of the real thing, the first prototype drum dwarfs Mr.Flash cabaret

WHOOPJAMBOREEHOO: Many Church of Bongo followers have been saddened to see the destruction of Cubbyhole Woods and the desecration of the Temple. But with today’s announcement the Church offers a ray of hope, and a special day of entertainment and whoopjamboreehoo to look forward to. As CofB regulars say: Be there or be somewhere else! Bring a drum!
A.P./Rooters.

This news brought to you courtesy of The Reeking Hegs and Syndicated Highlights International Tabloids (S.H.I.T)Inc.

Pete Peru and Lord Tupelo, The Reeking Hegs co-authors and co-founding membranes of the Church of Bongo take the salute.

The Reeking Hegs is a profoundly wonderful text of the provoko-fictitious kind, published by Montag Press of San Fran Ca. no less fame and available in paperback, ebook and audiobook form from any Amazone franchise or outlet.